Being Real: Mourning

Before I start this post let me say a couple things.

1. I love Isaac with all my heart. If you would have told me a year ago what my pregnancy would be like and what the outcome would be I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
2. I am incredible proud of how well he's doing and what he's accomplished so far.
3. I have been on preemie support forums and spoken to another preemie mommy and the emotions that I feel are normal. In fact many say if I didn't feel this way that they'd be worried. The purpose of this post is to share how I feel because maybe someone who reads this is going through something similar and they can know that they are not alone.
4. The whole experience of Isaac's birth and journey has and continues to make me a stronger person.

When Isaac was in the NICU I'd see other pregnant women or talk to other pregnant women who were due around the same time as me. I found myself being jealous that they were still pregnant and I was not. I was envious that they were able to carry their baby to term. Friends would have their babies and take them home a few days later while my baby was still in the hospital. I thought these feelings of jealousy and envy would go away once I brought Isaac home. They haven't.

I feel cheated. Cheated that I never got to have the big belly. Cheated that I never got to feel so uncomfortable that it hurt to move. Cheated that I didn't get to have the anticipation of not knowing when my little one would make their appearance. I didn't get to experience the annoying questions like, "are you still pregnant?" or "is the baby here yet?" I never got to waddle. I spent the last weeks of my pregnancy worrying. I feel cheated that I never really got to "nest."

I see other pregnant people with huge bellies and I am jealous. Sometimes when they complain about still being pregnant when the are only 36... 37 weeks or even 38 or 39 I get angry. I get pissed. I would have given ANYTHING to carry Isaac to term. I feel like they don't know how lucky they are. The other day at the grocery store I must have seen 5 or 6 women with gigantic pregnant bellies. It was a reminder that I never got to have that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure if I got to have a normal pregnancy with a huge belly that I would have complained about being uncomfortable too. But I can't help how I feel.

It doesn't stop there. Not only do I get jealous that they had normal pregnancies. I get jealous of their chubby babies. Or rather... I guess I get jealous that they are "on the chart." Just the other day I was on a forum where other moms can go and ask questions and other people can respond. I wanted to scream when one mom said, "shes only in the 25 percentile" Ummm yeah okay... shut up. I get jealous as they talk about how their 2 month old is in 3-6 month old clothing while Isaac finally fits in newborn things. I get jealous of the things that babies born around the same time as Isaac are doing. The things they are doing that he is not. I realize he will accomplish these milestones eventually. I realize he will catch up in his weight and height. But I can't help how I feel.

Am I grateful that he is healthy? Yep. Am I grateful for what weight he has gained and the milestones he has reached? Yep. Am I grateful that I am able to get pregnant  in the first place? Yep. Am I grateful that I was able to carry him as far as 35 weeks when other mommies have had their babies much sooner? Yep. Am I grateful that he spent 21 days in NICU rather than 80+ like some other little babies? Yep. But I can't help how I feel.

I also struggle because my journey is much different than that of other preemie moms. People, never preemie mommies, are sure to point that out to me... Other preemie mommies had a lot more struggles to go through more so than Isaac. Other babies needed incubators or oxygen. Other preemies spent more time in the NICU than Isaac. Yes he was lucky. But it was still really hard. Another preemie mommy said it best. She said to me, "While you had a slightly shorter NICU road than some of us, that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. I had it easier than the micro-preemie moms but it still sucked. Sure we always knew C would eventually be fine, but that didn't make it less weird and frustrating." It's crazy how supportive people whom you've never met can offer such great support and encouragement.

The journey of a preemie mommy doesn't stop when you bring them home from the hospital. Instead we obese about when those milestones will happen. Will they happen before their adjusted birthdate? After? We worry that maybe our babies are being judged. "You're baby is 10 weeks old?? but their so little." I worry they will think, "That boy is 14 months old and he's still not walking. They must be bad parents" Silly? Yes. But the feelings are there.

I am told by other preemie mommies that these feelings are normal. And that most of the time only preemie mommies truly understand how you can be so happy that your baby is healthy and what they've accomplished but still feel the emotions above at the same time. They said that a preemie mommy goes through a period where they mourn not having a normal pregnancy.

That is all.