I'd like to start out by saying that this post is probably going to be all over the place. But that makes sense because it speaks to how my emotions are right now.
A little background for my new readers. My pregnancy was going fine right up until my 31... almost 32 week appointment when shit kinda hit the fan. I had pregnancy induced hypertension (high blood pressure) and Isaac had always been measuring a few days ahead. Until that appointment when he was measuring a few days behind. I happened to have a week off for vacation where I spent the whole week with my feet up. My blood pressure went back down but sky rocketed the second I went back to work. We tried to control it with meds which helped some. I ended up with pre-eclampsia and put on bed rest. At my 35 week appointment it was confirmed that Isaac had stopped growing. He hadn't grown at all since the last appointment which meant it was time to get him out. He was born weighing 3 pounds 4.5 oz. He was transferred to the nearest NICU and I didn't see him for three days. Meanwhile, I was put on meds to prevent me from having a seizure because my blood pressure was so high (very common when you have pre-eclampisa). Isaac spent 3 weeks in the NICU. It was the longest 3 weeks of my life and one of the hardest things I've every experienced in my entire life.
It's not uncommon for mothers to having a lot of different emotions as their preemie approaches their first birthday. The emotions from the year before begin to surface. Right now I am looking back.... back last year. It was sometime in January when he stopped growing and I had no idea. I often wonder what caused it. No one knows what causes a baby to stop growing. Did I work out to much? Did I eat the wrong things? Should I have eaten meat (even though I know plenty of vegetarians mommies who had healthy pregnancies)? Was it my fault somehow? None of this is true of course. It's something that just happened.
I am reminded of Feb 3rd when the pregnancy took a turn. I am beginning to remember how scared I was the whole month of February. Scared shitless in fact. Worried because I wasn't feeling as much movement. Knowing deep down something was wrong but in denial about it. I am remembering driving to my 35 week appointment that day. My mom paying attention so that when it came time to have Isaac she would know how to get to and from the hospital. I remember being unable to control my emotions as I sobbed when the doctor said it was time to have the baby. I hadn't planned being admitted. I hadn't planned on having Isaac early. I hadn't planned on a c-section. I was suppose to get lettuce after my appointment so I could have a salad for lunch. He wasn't suppose to be born in March. I didn't want a March baby. I wanted an April baby. I wanted Isaac to pick his own birthday. I remember how calm I became when it came time for Isaac to be born. How calm I was when they told me he had to be transferred and I had to stay. How strong I was during his whole NICU stay. I remember how I spent close to 10-12 hour days at the hospital with him. I remember how warm it was for it being March and how I enjoyed that because I had to walk to and from the hospital. I remember pumping every.two.hours. I remember trying to teach Isaac how to eat. I remember crying... a lot because I just wanted him to come home. I remember rooming in the night before Isaac came home. He woke up often. I remember being told we needed a new carseat. Ours was too big and Isaac was too small. I remember when they told us he was being discharged and I remember driving home. Oh how good it was to be home.
It's hard to remember all that. To have those emotions resurface. As I look back I wonder how in the hell was I so strong. How did I get through all that. How was I able to do it? I honestly don't know the answer to that question. I look back and I think.... Wow that was hard.
No doubt about it. Isaac is doing great. He's caught up height wise. He's caught up in his head circumference. Still low on his weight but some kids are just skinny. He's hitting all milestones on time with his actual birthday. I am grateful for all these things. So grateful.
The first few months were hard. He was so tiny. He came home weighing 4 pounds. We had know way of knowing how well he'd do. But he surprised us. He put on weight quickly....(I guess my milk was super milk). He continues to surprise us.
The complicated pregnancy. The early arrival. The NICU stay. Those emotions are something I hope to never.ever.experience.again. And as I reflect I've asked myself the following questions.... If I could change it... would I? If I could go back and have a normal pregnancy with no early arrival and no NICU stay would I take it? I can answer that question in a heartbeat. No. I wouldn't. That whole experience is part of who Isaac is. It's part of his story. I believe his experiences have shaped him into who he is now and who he will turn out to be. This whole experience has made me appreciate every "first" even more. The first time he held his head up. The first time he smiled. The first time he laughed. The first time he pushed his head off the floor while doing tummy time. Every first.... so meaningful to me. The whole experience has made me a stronger person. A stronger mother. I've also met a lot of really great online friends. I joined a group on facebook. All our children were born in March. We have all gotten to know each other really well and I consider them great friends. I wouldn't know so many great women if it weren't for him being born in March.
I am not really sure how to close this post out. I love Isaac with all my heart and am so proud of him! He is one amazing little boy! He's our little miracle baby.
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